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McSweeney's

• Llama Llama Remote-Learning Drama
  Alarm clock rings and Mama groans. Lil Llama’s still learning from home. Mornings fill Mama with crushing dread as Llama whines, “My Chromebook’s dead!” “Find the charger, plug it in! Virtual school will soon begin!” Mama takes a seat bes…
  - 15 hours ago, 22 Jan 21, 7:00pm -
• Eight Famous Poems Rewritten by Your Asshole Cat
  “This is Just to Say” I have eaten the eggs that were on the counter which you were probably saving for breakfast. They weren’t moist or savory like the seafood variety of Friskies but I was bored. - - -“Sleeping in Your Bed on a Snowy Mornin…
  - 18 hours ago, 22 Jan 21, 4:00pm -
• Now That I Am Old Enough to Enroll in Medicare, I Am Against Socialized Medicine
  Now that I have reached the age of 65, I cannot more vehemently express my great relief for no longer having to shop around for expensive health insurance that barely covers my healthcare costs. I also want to unironically affirm my total opposition…
  - 21 hours ago, 22 Jan 21, 1:00pm -
• I Am a Disappointed Biden Voter Who Was Told He’d Immediately Implement Communist Rule
  Well, they say you should never trust a politician, and it seems I’ve been duped. I consider myself to be a high-information voter. I follow a variety of sources — FOX News, One America News Network, Newsmax, the Epoch Times, Dan Bongino’s Parl…
  - 2 days ago, 21 Jan 21, 7:00pm -
• A Day in the Life of a Female Lead in a Dystopian Novel
  6:30 AM: I wake before dawn, screaming from my nightmares. My three love interests burst into the room. They all have one-syllable names like Shale, and Bird, and Nine. I will repeatedly fall in love with them with over three books. 6:36 AM: Bird sit…
  - 2 days ago, 21 Jan 21, 4:00pm -
• Well, We Gave Nyarlathotep a Chance and He Gave Us Four Years of Horror, But It’s Time to Move on As a Nation
  Okay, Jerry. I’ll let you have that one. Allowing Dread Lord Nyarlathotep — God of a Thousand Forms, Stalker Among the Stars — a shot at President of the United States wasn’t the best idea we’ve ever had as a country. It kinda boggles the m…
  - 2 days ago, 21 Jan 21, 1:00pm -
• Kellogg’s Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies Cereal
  We used to get Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies from a little window at the back of the junior-high cafeteria. They were 25 cents and the second that slick cellophane was off, totally worth it. My stepfather kept a jar of loose change in his closet.…
  - 2 days ago, 21 Jan 21, 12:59pm -
• Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1-1,056
  To download a PDF of this entire list, click here. - - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruel…
  - 3 days ago, 20 Jan 21, 8:02pm -
• A Conservative’s Guide to Preparing for a Biden Presidency
  1. Gather your guns and place them in the government-approved rainbow trash bag. The bag should have arrived in your mailbox attached to your mail-in ballot. Don’t worry about unloading or setting the safety on the guns. Just toss ‘em in there. G…
  - 3 days ago, 20 Jan 21, 7:00pm -
• The Immortan Joe Administration Releases the 2776 Report
  “The White House on Monday released the report of the presidential 1776 Commission, a sweeping attack on liberal thought and activism that calls for a ‘patriotic education,’ defends America’s founding against charges that it was tainted by sl…
  - 3 days ago, 20 Jan 21, 4:51pm -

The Onion

• [video] The Onion Reviews 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron'
  The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron' in this week's Film Standard.
  - 30 Apr 15, 6:10pm -
• [video] The Onion Looks Back At 'The Sound Of Music'
  The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'The Sound of Music' in this week's Film Standard.
  - 12 Mar 15, 2:02pm -
• [video] Should Companies Discontinue Unpaid Intern Fights?
  Many critics are questioning whether interns deserve to be paid when pummeling each other for their supervisors' amusement.
  - 10 Mar 15, 2:16pm -
• [video] 13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State
  On Today Now!, the incredible Tyler Morgan shows off the binge drinking talent that got him into Ohio State. More from this episode.
  - 26 Feb 15, 7:20pm -
• [video] The Onion Film Standard's Oscars Special
  Peter Rosenthal looks at the Best Picture nominees in this year's special Oscar edition.
  - 19 Feb 15, 6:51pm -
• [video] Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth
  Brendan Jensen is taking the internet by storm with the elaborate love-themed maze he trapped his girlfriend inside for Valentine’s Day.
  - 14 Feb 15, 5:00am -
• [video] The Onion Reviews 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'
  The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' in this week's Film Standard.
  - 12 Feb 15, 5:20pm -
• [video] New Premium Uber Service Lets Users Commandeer Any Car
  Uber Seize is a new high-end service that lets users hijack vehicles whenever and however they want.
  - 9 Feb 15, 1:36pm -
• [video] Parenting Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Raise Your Own Goddamn Kids
  On Today Now!, parenting expert Rebecca McAllum somehow thinks she’s the authority on children everywhere.
  - 5 Feb 15, 5:15pm -
• [video] How To Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road Revenge
  Defensive driving instructor Danny Preston says the best way to avoid conflict on the road is to execute long-term psychological torment on aggressive drivers.
  - 29 Jan 15, 5:00pm -
• [video] The Onion Looks Back At 'Home Alone'
  The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Home Alone' in this week's Film Standard.
  - 24 Dec 14, 3:45pm -
• [video] Owner's Box: Bearded Robert Griffin III Spotted Living In Houseboat On Chesapeake Bay
  OSN’s fantasy football guru, Perry Bigwell, says dump RG3 from your roster now that he’s moved away from football to a more simple life on a houseboat.
  - 4 Dec 14, 3:15pm -

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