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McSweeney's

• I Won Thanksgiving!
  “I gave a long news conference today after wishing the military a Happy Thanksgiving, & realized once again that the Fake News Media coordinates so that the real message of such a conference never gets out. Primary point made was that the 2020 Elec…
  - 1 day ago, 27 Nov 20, 1:00pm -
• Butterball Helpline Helpline
  Originally published November 26, 2003. - - -Q: A caller just said she forgot to baste every 10 minutes. I advised her to serve the turkey anyway. Was I correct? A: Not at all. The turkey is merely the vehicle for the basting. In a recent poll, nine…
  - 2 days ago, 26 Nov 20, 12:29pm -
• How the First Thanksgiving Came to Be
  MARY: Are you seriously bringing that? WILLIAM: Of course I am, I spent forty hours making this thing. MARY: Yeah, I know, and it didn’t fit in our house, what makes you think it’ll fit in our new house? WILLIAM: We’ll just build a bigger house…
  - 3 days ago, 25 Nov 20, 7:00pm -
• COVID Surge Black Friday Deals
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  - 3 days ago, 25 Nov 20, 4:01pm -
• Quotes from My Mother About 2020’s Thanksgiving Dinner, Except Also from Albert Camus’s The Plague
  1. “With Thanksgiving at stake, how should they have given a thought to anything like plague, which rules out any future, cancels journeys, silences the exchange of views? They fancied themselves free, and no one will ever be free so long as they l…
  - 3 days ago, 25 Nov 20, 1:00pm -
• Shop Locally This Holiday Season. Please Don’t Give More Money to Amazon
  Friends and compatriots— Amazon doesn’t need your money. Small bookstores, and independent businesses generally, do. Good god, they do, more than ever they do. Given we’ve just averted an electoral apocalypse, let’s celebrate by supporting lo…
  - 4 days ago, 24 Nov 20, 9:00pm -
• How to Tell Your Parents You’re Not Coming Home for the Holidays Without Quoting from Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle”
  Harry Chapin’s 1974 classic “Cats in the Cradle” is a timeless meditation on the tragedy of growing older and growing apart. But you can’t just repeat the lyrics from the classic song to your parents to explain why you’re choosing not to tr…
  - 4 days ago, 24 Nov 20, 6:30pm -
• Wait, This Hand Turkey Fucks
  Ohhhhkayyyyy, who made this Hand Turkey? Seriously, who did this? Not to be a freak, but this Hand Turkey looks like he would treat me BAD. In a GOOD way. I’m not even being horny right now; this Hand Turkey just gives off a vibe that I like. It’…
  - 4 days ago, 24 Nov 20, 4:00pm -
• Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1- 1,004
  To download a PDF of this entire list, click here. - - -Early in President Trump’s term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruel…
  - 4 days ago, 24 Nov 20, 2:57pm -
• How to Make a Cornucopia, Because It’s Come to This
  Normally, the holiday season is too busy to waste precious time making a giant wicker horn filled with fruit. You’d be preoccupied with prepping the kitchen, cleaning the dining room, and being surrounded by loved ones. That’s not happening this…
  - 4 days ago, 24 Nov 20, 1:00pm -

The Onion

• [video] The Onion Reviews 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron'
  The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron' in this week's Film Standard.
  - 30 Apr 15, 6:10pm -
• [video] The Onion Looks Back At 'The Sound Of Music'
  The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'The Sound of Music' in this week's Film Standard.
  - 12 Mar 15, 2:02pm -
• [video] Should Companies Discontinue Unpaid Intern Fights?
  Many critics are questioning whether interns deserve to be paid when pummeling each other for their supervisors' amusement.
  - 10 Mar 15, 2:16pm -
• [video] 13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State
  On Today Now!, the incredible Tyler Morgan shows off the binge drinking talent that got him into Ohio State. More from this episode.
  - 26 Feb 15, 7:20pm -
• [video] The Onion Film Standard's Oscars Special
  Peter Rosenthal looks at the Best Picture nominees in this year's special Oscar edition.
  - 19 Feb 15, 6:51pm -
• [video] Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth
  Brendan Jensen is taking the internet by storm with the elaborate love-themed maze he trapped his girlfriend inside for Valentine’s Day.
  - 14 Feb 15, 5:00am -
• [video] The Onion Reviews 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'
  The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' in this week's Film Standard.
  - 12 Feb 15, 5:20pm -
• [video] New Premium Uber Service Lets Users Commandeer Any Car
  Uber Seize is a new high-end service that lets users hijack vehicles whenever and however they want.
  - 9 Feb 15, 1:36pm -
• [video] Parenting Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Raise Your Own Goddamn Kids
  On Today Now!, parenting expert Rebecca McAllum somehow thinks she’s the authority on children everywhere.
  - 5 Feb 15, 5:15pm -
• [video] How To Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road Revenge
  Defensive driving instructor Danny Preston says the best way to avoid conflict on the road is to execute long-term psychological torment on aggressive drivers.
  - 29 Jan 15, 5:00pm -
• [video] The Onion Looks Back At 'Home Alone'
  The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Home Alone' in this week's Film Standard.
  - 24 Dec 14, 3:45pm -
• [video] Owner's Box: Bearded Robert Griffin III Spotted Living In Houseboat On Chesapeake Bay
  OSN’s fantasy football guru, Perry Bigwell, says dump RG3 from your roster now that he’s moved away from football to a more simple life on a houseboat.
  - 4 Dec 14, 3:15pm -

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