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McSweeney's

• Bruce Springsteen Is Reflective, Mindful, and on Fire
  Hey little girl. Pardon. Young lady? Hello, young lady. Is your daddy home? I mean, your father? I mean, is there an adult home? Or are you, in fact, all alone? These are things one asks, even given the circumstances. It’s not what one would normal…
  - 17 hours ago, 17 May 21, 6:05pm -
• My Increasingly Desperate Attempts to Recreate the Theater Experience During the Pandemic
  Shouted “5! 6! 7! 8!” in the grocery store, just to see if anyone would break into a little soft-shoe. Made the other five members of my household cram onto the sofa with me to watch TV, recreating that “seated in the mezzanine” vibe. Once th…
  - 20 hours ago, 17 May 21, 3:00pm -
• Introducing Kaybl: The New Service That Bundles Your Favorite Content for One Flat Monthly Fee!
  Let’s face it: streaming is broken. Content constantly disappears from your favorite platforms, new services pop up every day, and each streamer comes with a confusing variety of pricing options. Do you pay $7.99/mo for ad-light? $9.99/mo for no ad…
  - 23 hours ago, 17 May 21, 11:30am -
• A B-List Celebrity’s Rider or a Toddler’s Food Demands?
  1. Chicken should only be served as a nugget in the shape of dinosaurs. The knowledge of a paleontologist should be available for Q&A. 2. Junk food is referred to as “top-shelf party fuel.” 3. Heinz is the only ketchup. It should never be 1) plac…
  - 4 days ago, 14 May 21, 6:00pm -
• I’m Not Emotionally Available Enough to Be in a Relationship Right Now Because I Have a Lot Going on with My Thesis and I Was Raised by Jaguars in the Peruvian Amazon
  It’s not that I don’t care about you. It’s just that I’m really busy writing my thesis. Also, if you were to come to me crying, I would perceive your tears as a sign of physical weakness, as though you were a frail jungle fawn with a broken f…
  - 4 days ago, 14 May 21, 3:00pm -
• Important New Findings on American Stress-Cheese Consumption During the Pandemic
  (Mobile readers: rotate screen to landscape for better view of charts.) - - -“Over a third of consumers (36%) say their consumption of cheese has increased during the pandemic … The increased appetite for cheese is due, in part, to the fact that…
  - 4 days ago, 14 May 21, 12:00pm -
• A/B testing “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”
  Hi guys. LOVING the poem here in Analytics and sorry for the delay on the review. Just a couple of suggestions to amp up engagement and SEO. As you know, we’re on a big push to encourage IG mentions. (Without compromising the work, of course.) Any…
  - 5 days ago, 13 May 21, 6:00pm -
• Who Wore It Better: A Professionally Styled Model, or Me?
  Model in a baseball cap: Chic, easy-breezy, sporty yet feminine. Me in a baseball cap: Garth from Wayne’s World. - - -Model in overalls: Sun-dappled cottagecore beauty, laughing on their bicycle, en route to the farm stand for $17 heirloom tomatoes…
  - 5 days ago, 13 May 21, 3:00pm -
• Teachable Moments with the Anti-Vaxxer Family
  Strangers MOM: So if a strange man says I asked him to pick you up after school, what do you do, Henry? TODDLER: Ask him what my name is. If he gets it right, he’s definitely telling the truth. MOM: And if he’s wrong? TODDLER: Show him the first…
  - 5 days ago, 13 May 21, 12:00pm -
• Field Roast Vegan Fruffalo Wings
  Wings are my vice. I love ripping meat off the bone with my teeth. Is there a poem yet about the refreshing feeling of wet naps after wing night? There should be. Before the pandemic, I was known for over-ordering boneless and traditional wings at T.…
  - 5 days ago, 13 May 21, 11:59am -

The Onion

• [video] The Onion Reviews 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron'
  The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron' in this week's Film Standard.
  - 30 Apr 15, 6:10pm -
• [video] The Onion Looks Back At 'The Sound Of Music'
  The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'The Sound of Music' in this week's Film Standard.
  - 12 Mar 15, 2:02pm -
• [video] Should Companies Discontinue Unpaid Intern Fights?
  Many critics are questioning whether interns deserve to be paid when pummeling each other for their supervisors' amusement.
  - 10 Mar 15, 2:16pm -
• [video] 13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State
  On Today Now!, the incredible Tyler Morgan shows off the binge drinking talent that got him into Ohio State. More from this episode.
  - 26 Feb 15, 7:20pm -
• [video] The Onion Film Standard's Oscars Special
  Peter Rosenthal looks at the Best Picture nominees in this year's special Oscar edition.
  - 19 Feb 15, 6:51pm -
• [video] Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth
  Brendan Jensen is taking the internet by storm with the elaborate love-themed maze he trapped his girlfriend inside for Valentine’s Day.
  - 14 Feb 15, 5:00am -
• [video] The Onion Reviews 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'
  The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' in this week's Film Standard.
  - 12 Feb 15, 5:20pm -
• [video] New Premium Uber Service Lets Users Commandeer Any Car
  Uber Seize is a new high-end service that lets users hijack vehicles whenever and however they want.
  - 9 Feb 15, 1:36pm -
• [video] Parenting Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Raise Your Own Goddamn Kids
  On Today Now!, parenting expert Rebecca McAllum somehow thinks she’s the authority on children everywhere.
  - 5 Feb 15, 5:15pm -
• [video] How To Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road Revenge
  Defensive driving instructor Danny Preston says the best way to avoid conflict on the road is to execute long-term psychological torment on aggressive drivers.
  - 29 Jan 15, 5:00pm -
• [video] The Onion Looks Back At 'Home Alone'
  The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Home Alone' in this week's Film Standard.
  - 24 Dec 14, 3:45pm -
• [video] Owner's Box: Bearded Robert Griffin III Spotted Living In Houseboat On Chesapeake Bay
  OSN’s fantasy football guru, Perry Bigwell, says dump RG3 from your roster now that he’s moved away from football to a more simple life on a houseboat.
  - 4 Dec 14, 3:15pm -

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